DIG DEEP: Conversations with Christian Leaders
DIG DEEP: Conversations with Christian Leaders
Battle of the Sexes: Married Couples Edition
We're back with part II of Battle of the Sexes: Married Couple Edition! We're talking about EVERYTHING when it comes to a godly marriage. From household chores to keeping the spark alive after the honeymoon phase is over. My guests, the Pullens, and the Carraways, will share what they've learned about each other and marriage!
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Conversations with Christian Leaders. I am your host, Dr. Daria C. Aljo. First and foremost, happy Juneteenth, everybody. I woke up feeling extra black today. I don't know about anybody else, but I woke up very, very proud, as I always am, to be black. So happy Juneteenth. For those of you that are new here, welcome. I'm going to ask you to like and share. We are in person tonight for, this is I think the second time or the third time I've done an in-person one. Tonight's conversation is Battle of the Sexes, Part Two, Married Couples Edition. So the first time that I did this, We focused on singles. We focused on married people, people that were divorced. We had all types of fun questions for everyone, but this time I wanted to bring some married couples together. So, uh, without further to do, I'm going to ask my guests to introduce themselves very quickly to just tell us who they are, how long they've been married and what is their favorite thing about being married to their spouse. Okay. So let's start over here with the Pullens. Pastor Pullen, I'm going to go to you first. Okay, so first question was? Oh, okay. I'm Joel Pullen. We've been married for 17 years, and we enjoy every day together. So what was the other question? I'm sorry. Oh, what I love most about being married is consistency. I'm a consistent kind of guy. I like scheduling. I like to know what I'm going to get every day, even though you don't get the same person every day. But, you know, just knowing that I'm coming home to the same person and the same things. I like consistency. So that's what keeps us cool. All right. Awesome. Thank you. And to my first lady, go ahead and introduce yourself and tell us what you love about being married. I'm Maria Pullen. I just really enjoy being married. I just love like I'm a lovable person. So I just love that being married, that I have someone, you know, that come home. I love cooking and doing all that good stuff. And I love doing that for my family. Y'all gonna have to bear with us because we're like muting and unmuting the mics, and my thumb is like not as fast as it used to be when I was a kid, you know, playing video games. That's amazing. Yes, you love the fact that you like to be home and kind of cooking and taking care of your family, and that's very evident. If anybody knows First Lady Maria, they know that she loves her family. She don't play about her family. End of story. Thank you all. And you've been married 17 years. Round of applause for that. That is absolutely beautiful and amazing. Let's go to our next guest, the Caraways. Hey, y'all. Let's start with you, okay? Blessings. How you doing? I'm Latrell Caraway. We've been married for eight years. Well, soon to be eight years on September 1st. And even going off of what Pastor Pullen said, one of the things with me is consistency. I love the fact of having consistency in my life and also just having the same person that you can come home to each and every day. Some people try to use that as something bad, but to me that's something great because I know who I'm walking in the door to each and every day. And at the end of the day, this is literally my best friend. I love that. Okay, go ahead. So I'm Monique Carraway. And, yeah, the fact that I have, like, a live-in best friend. Yeah, a live-in best friend. That's probably my favorite part. I love that, I love that. So y'all like the videos on like TikTok where it's like you just in the bed, kiki and laughing at TikTok videos and stuff like that. Late at night. Sometimes, okay, sometimes. I'm gonna pull up some questions here. If you see my guest, They have red flags. If y'all can wave those red flags really quickly for those that are watching. They have yellow flags. They have green flags as well. So now we are talking about battle of the sexes and there are a lot of different like stereotypes that are out there about men and women and relationships. One of the biggest stereotypes or one of the stereotypes that I've heard is that women are bad drivers. I don't know if anyone else has heard that. Look, I was laughing. Women are not bad drivers. Like, I don't feel like I'm a bad driver, but anytime I get road rage, I pull up and I'm like, of course, it's a girl. It's a chick. Like, of course. Okay. So here's what we're going to do. Our first red flag, green flag, yellow flag question is in your relationship, who is the better driver? Green flag is the husband. Red flag is the wife. Yellow flag is it depends. Everyone said green flag. Okay. I'm not a bad driver, but he is better. Okay. Okay, so not a bad driver, but the husband is better. All right, ladies, we got to smash these stereotypes today. We got to smash these. So now let me ask you guys this. Husbands, do you let, not let your wife, if, are you the driver in the relationship? Like most of the time you're the one that's like, babe, I'm going to drive. Don't worry about it. I got you. Yes, most definitely. The only time she normally drives us, including my kids or our kids, is if I'm tired. Okay. But, yeah, for the most part, it's me. Like, you're, like, dead tired. I can't keep my eyes open. You got to take this. Okay. Right. All right. What about you, Pastor Joel? Same. Okay. Yeah, you know. Okay, so in sticking with the car theme, pumping gas. Now, my partner, my spouse, my boyfriend does not allow me to pump gas when we are out and like we're driving. And I feel like, yes, like I deserve this. I want to be treated like a little princess, a little passenger princess. So... In your relationship, does the man pump the gas only or is he just like, it doesn't matter, equal opportunity? Green flag, equal opportunity, red flag, nah girl, stay in the car, I'm pumping the gas. Green flag, okay, it depends. Okay, true. So if you're by yourself. Okay. Can we talk about that? Because literally I am almost on E right now as we speak and I need to get gas and I don't want to tell him that I got to get gas because he's always like, babe, why are you waiting until it's late? I'm feeding into stereotypes today. Okay, no, we're going to try and be better. Yes. Gas is the last thing on my mind. And then when I think about it, it's like late. And I'm like, well, I'll just wait until tomorrow. And then tomorrow comes and I have 50 million other things to do. I don't know. You see? Okay. Thank you. Thank you for that. Let's see. Let's see some of my other questions. Okay. When you all first started dating. And you were going out on dates. Right now, I think one of the biggest conversations is like men and women, do they split the check? Does the man pay? Does the woman pay? Whoever's idea it is for the date, do they pay? What do you all say in your relationship, not when you were married now, but when you were dating? Was it the man paid, green flag, the woman paid, red flag, or it depends on, we split it, or it depends on whose idea it was for the date. That was a big sign. You have a comment there, Pastor Joe. I can hear it. Yeah. See, we were dating in high school. So she had a job. I was in school. So she was the breadwinner. So for me, it's like, hey, you got it. Let's go. Now, I drove, of course, but... She made a lot of times. Okay. Okay. So she was making the money. So you, you balance that out. You drove, but you know, you're going to pay for the date. Okay. And that's not always, not always, not always. It's different now. Yeah. You put that time in for a little bit. Okay. Okay. How about you all when you all were dating? Yeah, when we were dating, I paid for a majority of the things, but then it was some stuff where, you know, she was the breadwinner because she had just finished nursing school. And so even though I still had a job, but I was like, I wasn't making her money. So it varied at times. Right. Okay. Very good. Very good. Okay. Final warm-up question, y'all. Then we're going to dive into our questions for tonight. So final warm-up question is, last time we had Battle of the Sexes, we were talking to Christian couples, people who were divorced, people who were single, who were dating. And one of the questions that I asked them was about having sex before marriage. Now, we know what the Bible says. Okay, we know what the Bible says. We know what the Bible teaches. However, there were some that were on the panel that said, you know, we kind of tested things out a little bit before we got married. No judgment. This is a judgment free zone. So for you all that have been married almost eight years and then 17 years. In your opinion, if you are dating somebody and they want to, they know that you, this is it, this is who I'm going to marry. Maybe we're engaged. Like we know that this is it. We're going to get married and we're really, really, really being tempted, but we don't have the money to get married right away. Is it okay, in your opinion, what do you think about or what are your thoughts on them kind of testing the water, so to speak? Red flag or green flag? Red flag being like, uh-uh, no, don't do it. Green flag being, you know, we kind of get it, we understand it. Red flag, red flag. I see red flags all across the pool. Red flags all across the board. Can you each uh each uh couple, can you all just give a bit of advice to that couple that is like, look, we wanna live according to God's plan and according to God's word. We know we wanna get married but we are really struggling to say no to each other physically. Yeah, I got I got three words. Yeah. Justice of peace. Okay. And then have a huge wedding after, but go to the justice of peace. Yeah, okay. And you all agree? I was going to say the same thing because that's exactly what we do. Okay, tell us more about that. So what happened was my apostle at the time when we were pregnant, he was ministering to me, not like in a judgmental way, but he was schooling me along with the things of God, and he was saying, By us being pregnant right now, it was the power of breaking the curses over my family's life was making it solidified by marrying her. And so what happened, my son ended up coming early. But the whole entire time, ever since my apostle spoke to me, It was his voice just kept resonating in my mind. I just kept hearing his voice. Even at times I wasn't even talking about it with my wife, but I just kept hearing his voice. And so my son came early and once I saw him and I held him for the first time and that's what kept playing in my mind replaying. You have the chance to break the curses over your family's life by making this official. And what he also even added to that, when my son came, he said, you still have the ability to make it right because your son didn't go home yet. He didn't walk through them. He didn't go through them doors yet. So you still have the ability to make it right. And so after my son was born, we were in the NICU. And I was holding him. And then I just asked her, I said, do you want to go get married right now? And she was like, are you serious? I said, no. I said, we could call our leaders right now. And I said, we could take care of it all right now. And we called them within like the next 10 minutes. And we met them at our church. And yeah, so we went and got married. We wasn't too far from our church. And after we went and got married, we went back to the hospital. And that was the same exact day my son came home from the hospital. So everything happened on September 1st. That's the day our son came home and that's the day we got married. That's amazing. That's incredible. Thank y'all for sharing that. So to the couples that are out there, I know sometimes it's hard. I get it. I get it. Justice of the peace. If you just can't wait. All right, here we go. Let's go to our questions. Okay. Um, so my first question for you all is how did you know you wanted to marry each other? And I want to start with the care of race for that. So When I met him, you know how you've been like, kind of like, I had this thing where I was talking with someone right before I met my husband. And I got to a point to where at the time I was still kind of freshly getting back into the things of God and praying and things of that nature. And I just felt led in my spirit, like ask this guy, what does he want? You know what I mean? In a relationship. And by his response to me, I knew that that was a counterfeit. So I ran. I just was like, you know, true definition of ghosted. If you see ghosted and you look up the definition, my picture is right there. I was like out. And when I met him, it was a different type of connection. It was almost like my spirit knew him before I physically had a conversation with him. It was a it was a real strange like attachment. And I tell him and I tell people all the time. I'm like, I don't know what it was, but I was like drawn to him. I'm like, I know him, but I didn't know him. And so right then and there, I knew that he was it. But, you know, of course, you go through the go through the motions. But in that moment, I knew I knew he was it. You just felt like you said that just a drawing to him and not so, you know, we think about sometimes when you're attracted to somebody, when you're not living saved and you as a safe person, now I understand what that attraction was to people who were not saved and people that I was drawn to. Sometimes, you know, the trauma in me is responding to or drawn to the trauma in somebody else versus now that I'm saved, now that I'm living right, my anointing is attracted to sort of your anointing and the God in me is attracted to the God in you. Yes, love that. Do you have anything to add? Yeah, so for me, what solidified it with me was we did a premarital counseling with a specific person. And when they was asking us questions, and she opened up with the question that she was asked, but then she looked at me. Because I was previously in a situation before my wife. And so she looked at me, and she said it so sincere. And she said, I just want you to know I got you. So to anybody, that could just sound like regular words, but it was just like I felt those words when she said it. And she was like, I'm not going to let you fall. Like, I got you. I'm here with you. And it's like, I literally felt that. And I was like, geez, you got to ride with me. And so to me, that was the moment for me. It's like she pulled a Jill Scott. Baby, don't worry. You know that you got me. Okay, we in church. All right. Pastor Joel and First Lady Maria, what about you all? How did you know you wanted to marry each other? Earlier you mentioned that you all were dating in high school. So did you know back then that, like, this is it? Like, this is it for me? I think for me, so we met in 95. He had his accident when he was 18. Anybody that know me and him, you just have a certain type. He was considered like pretty boy. When he had his accident, his mom and him let me see him when he went to step down. And it was like totally different, like head swollen, just did not look nothing alike. That's when I knew, you know, we were still young, but that's when I was like, you know how you know you, okay, I like this person. But when I left out of there and even when he came home from the hospital, it was like, wow, I love this person. It didn't matter how he looked, you know, or anything. So I think for me, that's when it was like, okay, this is somebody I can be with forever. Um, for me, that was it. So knowing that somebody loves you, they don't have to. I got a pretty big family, so I'm used to having love. But it's different when somebody doesn't have to do it and they do it and it's like real. It wasn't we didn't go to high school together, so it's not like she knew how popular I was or any of that stuff. So just like she just really liked me. So I think and then coming to the hospital and being there that Once you know that somebody really got you, like you said, you got to keep them. So that, you know, everybody always talks about or, you know, men talk about, you know, I want to ride or die, something that's going to hold me down. And I think loving someone, you know, you hear a lot of older couples, people that have been married for 40 and 50 years, talk about, you know, looks come and go. You have to really find someone that's going to love you for you. And I think you all show that early on in the relationship where you were just like, this is not. the person that I first met, maybe that I first was attracted to, but I'm still here holding you down. So I think a lot of times. So here we go. We're going to throw in a red flag, red flag, green flag question. So here we go. So When I was single, people would try and hook me up with people that I wasn't necessarily attracted to. I don't know if anybody would be that shade. But somebody out there loves them, I'm sure. But my friends would always tell me, you know, it's not always about looks. Like, just get to know them, blah, blah, blah. So when it comes to dating, do you think that it's important to be... At bare minimum, physically attracted to the person. Red flag, no, I don't need to be attracted to them at first. Personality will get me, humor will get me, that sort of thing. Green flag, yes, there needs to be at least some type of physical attraction. What do you guys think? Everybody said green. You want to talk a little bit more about that? You need something to look at. I mean... It's not everything, because looks do change. But, yeah, that's where I was at. Yeah. And I'll say, just to add to that, because with a relationship, it's kind of like, you ever see somebody at Christmas, when you buy them the gift that you couldn't, that you didn't want to get them, but that's what you could afford at the time, so you give it to them with an explanation? Like, hey, times is hard right now. So you got to explain as you're giving them the gift. So you don't want to be like that in a relationship when they go into a cookout. Like, you know, she got a good personality. Like, you should hear her. Like, she could really cook. Like, she could cook. She good at cooking. You got to add all of this other stuff before they even get to know her. So that's how I see it. And for me, I think. You want the person that everybody wants, but you're not paying them on, but he wants you. Yes, come on. Yes. But of course, but of course. I heard actually Victoria Beckham said something like that because people would ask her, like, does it bother you that, you know, women, men, people like love your husband like Archer? And she was like, no, I want to be with someone that other people want. And I'm like, oh, I never thought of it like that. Yeah, that's kind of my thing. Seriously, I married. So my wife was extremely attractive. Yeah. So and I'm cool with, you know, leaving her in a room and just watching like if somebody this is earlier on so much how to talk at the same time did not bother me at all because we're leaving the other. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's talk a little bit more about that. Husbands and wives. So that's, I think, one of my questions. So let's go to that question. Let's see. Let's see. Do I have that? I think I was going to ask that. So I'm going to ask it now. So if you've ever heard the term like work wife, work husband, right? That's somebody that you work with that you just vibe with them. They are your person at work. And that's kind of where it ends, right? There's nothing funny going on. It's just everybody knows if you see Jaria, then you see so and so at work, right? So if you had, if you had a work wife or work husband and you come to an event and everybody's talking about, oh, I didn't realize, you know, you were, Joel was married. I didn't, I didn't realize like you were married. Like what's kind of, how do you like handle, how do you handle that? Well, I wear my ring all the time, so there's no, I didn't know. And the other thing, I do, you know, have a little work wife. It's funny you say that. Okay, let's talk about it. She's like a 65-year-old white woman with red hair. Seriously. So when I first got to the job, I was really green. I've been there for 20 years now. And she kind of, like, helped, like, walk me through a lot of stuff. Yes. So it's just like, oh. If Julie Dix is watching, she knows. So, I mean, she, she, it's just, now don't get no work wife that look just as good as your wife or somebody who it can get crazy with. Make sure that's, don't get silly with the work wife or work husband. He got a six pack, all his hair, relax. Do you think that, you know, because there's such thing as like emotional affairs, right, which in some cases people think are is worse than an actual physical affair. So an emotional affair is if you tell, let's say, like your work husband, something that you don't tell your husband that you keep from your husband or you. share more, uh, you're more vulnerable with a male friend or, you know, somebody, a male at work. Um, how can like couples navigate that where they feel like, you know, I'm starting to kind of share a little bit more with this work husband, this work wife than I am with my actual partner. And I haven't cheated on them. I don't think I'm having an emotional affair, but I can see it heading there. How do you kind of put the brakes on that and, and also repent to your spouse? Like, how do you handle that? I just say straight up, you got to get it. Because the longer it keeps going and the more you keep saying, I got to do it, you're not going to do it. Because before you know it, you're going to keep saying, I need to end this or I need to stop doing this. You know what? This is going to be it. So it's like you're talking yourself a good game, but you're not actually taking the actions to make that step to do it. And the more you're doing it, the more you're going to start hiding, the more things can come to surface. And before you know it, You went deep now. Right. You know, be with somebody you really want to be with. And I think that matters. You know, I say me and my wife are like night and day, but together we make a good 24 hours. So we don't like the same shows. We don't like the same. TikTok videos. We don't like to say movies. We don't like a lot of stuff the same, but like we every day we'll watch another show that's hers or mine because like we're still learning one another and learning the other life. So the reason why I married my wife because she didn't play So, I've had other girls and they just liked me. So, like, okay, I can just do whatever, right? No, she wasn't with it. So, it kind of kept me, you know, in a good straight and narrow space. That's good. That leads me to my next question because you all have been married for some time now. As someone who is looking to get married, the thought of being married and with someone for 20 years, 25 years, 30 years is like, whew, that's a beautiful thing. And that's also like my entire life it feels like almost. So what is the secret to keeping things fresh in your marriage? I'm going to start with the pull-ins first. I think for us, one, I think is communication. I think that's key. And then just, you know, we have three children. So sometimes you can get lost in that. But sometimes we'll make sure that we spend time by ourselves. So we'll go to the movies, we'll go out to eat, even if we just take a ride somewhere just to talk. So that's kind of our thing. you know, just doing little things because our kids are, well, they're growing up now, but they have such a social life where we had basketball games, football games, you know, so it's all about them, and it's okay, but we just kind of make sure that, you know, even with now him being a pastor, just church stuff, you know, so to try to not get lost in all that stuff and still keeping it fresh between us. Right, that's good. The other thing is we hang out with married people. So that's a good way to keep it fresh. Because, like, it's a good ride home, too. Like, hey, you know, that was good that they did this. Or, like, that was kind of wild. Y'all talk about, like, y'all debriefing about, like, oh, my. Like, under the table, like, yo, we're about to talk about this later. Like, remember this. So that's, like, that keeps it fresh. Because it's just constantly something else to, like, either glean from or, like, nah, what are you doing? Right. That's good. That's good. That's not going to happen ever again. For us, I will definitely say we have really been practicing being intentional about making time for each other. We literally we got like you've heard kind of our story of us getting married and things of that nature. But we got married and we kind of like went straight into ministry. Um, we are freshly pastors as of, it'll be, wow, a year in August. That was quick. Um, but, you know, we kind of, and we had a baby, as you know, as soon as we got married, we had a baby. And then three years later, we had another baby. So we have two children. And so it's always been just this cycle. And when you try to break free from it, there's something new that's big that comes that needs your attention. And so for us, what we've been practicing is really being intentional about each other and planning to do these dates and planning to go on vacation and doing these things so that we don't lose the spark between each other. Because it can happen. And not because you want it to, but it can. Yeah, that's true from what everybody said. And also, what I'll add to that is you can't be lazy. And what I mean by that is like, Anything that we want to last, we'll give our 100% effort for it or to it. Like for me, I love sports. So I would make it my effort to watch the end of a football game on a Sunday night when I know I got to be at work Monday morning. So it's like I will put forth that effort, especially if it's a good game, to finish the game out or the NBA finals or something. So the reason why I'm saying that is like do that even in your marriage because – It's like you cannot even go to sleep at night knowing you didn't at least had a great conversation with your spouse that day. But like I said, anything that you are willing to hold on to, don't be lazy with it. Because a lot of us, we'll do a lot of stuff even when it comes to our jobs. We'll complain about the job, but guess what? We'll go the next day. We'll go the next week, the next month. And before you know it, you're in that job for 20, 30 years. Right. Even when it comes to a marriage, just don't be lazy. Like, really put forth 100% effort even when you don't feel like it at times because we're exhausted. I'm hearing intentional. I'm hearing, you know, making sacrifices. Like, I think of you mentioned sports. So I'm a Lakers fan pre-LeBron. I don't even like him. We won't get into it. He's watching now. Okay. I mean, hey, please get off my team. Thanks so much. But but I used to I would think about staying up late for like the Lakers games because they would play on, you know, West Coast time. Right. And so making that sacrifice, knowing like, OK, I have to get up in the morning, but I really want to see Kobe and then play like we're getting close to the playoffs. Like I got to see my boys. And making that sacrifice and being like, like you said, you know, being intentional about, okay, this is what I want to do. And I know that it's going to be a sacrifice, but it's truly what I desire to do. And so that's what I'm hearing from both couples is that intentional and not losing yourself. I think that's great. Not losing yourself when you have children, when your children become busy and their lives, you know, become busy and making time and spending time with each other. That's really good. Pastor Joe, do you want to add anything? No, no. You look like you're ready. Like, I was thinking about, like I said, we were people watchers. So like Bishop Blake going to like going back to the L.A. thing, Bishop Blake and Lady Blake Church of Christ, they have a really publicly and I don't know what's going on at home, but publicly it looks really good. And you see that they're well into their seventies and maybe even close to eighties. But they still like each other. They laugh. They, you know, he calls her at one time in the pulpit and she kissed him like on the lips. I thought that was the cutest thing in the world. And, you know, me and Maria obviously haven't been married long enough to do that. But I asked her, hey, come over here and kiss me. She's like, yeah, right. So like that kind of stuff, seeing people because there's a lot of people who it's just like an agreement now. It's like, look, I need help managing these bills and these kids. So it's literally like split down the middle 50-50. It's not more so coming together as one. And I think a lot of people kind of get married because they need help. And it's like a new fad like everybody's doing it. It's almost like, you know You just see someone like one person has a Tesla now everybody wants one, right? but you don't realize it's the maintenance or the fees and everything that you have to do to put in to keep the Tesla and I think that a lot of people they get married for the glitz and glamour and like oh I want this big extravagant wedding and Once that's done Once it's over, once all the bridesmaids and the groomsmen go home, it's just you two. So if you don't like each other, then what's the point of all of that? You know, it's interesting because I remember when Israel Hutton and what's the child's name? Adrian Bailey. When all of that first came out, I think he was still married, but there were pictures of him and her together taking trips and all this other stuff. And I think when they have first officially like got together, he was divorced. They got together. She had posted something about like, I actually like you. I don't just love you. I like you. And I was like, wow, like. Because you could love somebody and just like not really like them. You don't like being around them. You just get irked when you see them. And I thought about how some marriages might be like that. Where it's like, yeah, no, I have love for you because we have all this history. But I actually don't even like you as a person. And I've talked with other married couples where they've gone through phases and seasons in their marriage where it's like, They're in love with each other and then like they've fallen out of love and they don't like each other and they had to learn to like each other again. Like how have you all ever experienced those moments where it's just like you are really like tap dancing on my last nerve right now. You are aggravating me to no end. How do you, wives now, how do you navigate that? And I'm going to go to husbands after, but wives, how do you navigate those moments where it's just like, oof, like, I'm ready to just like, because for me, it's like, I'm comfortable being alone. And so I feel like the first sign of you annoying me, I'm out. I don't have to stick around for this. But when I get married, like, I can't, you know, I can't do that. I can't do that. Right, right, right. First Lady Maria, let's go to you first. How do you deal with, you know, he's just on your last nerves. How do you handle that? It's so funny because that's often I'm playing. No, but it's so funny because I tell people, like, we really like each other. But I always tell people, and I tell him, the majority of our arguments are like fusses. It's not about us. It's always about our children. And it's the truth. It's never about me and him. It's always about something else. So I think that's a blessing. But it's funny because I tell my kids or just friends I'm around, when we're not with each other, we speak so much. And they'd be like, you ain't tired of him calling you or vice versa? And I'm like, no, I'm not. You're not saying that we don't, you know, get on each other nerves because that do happen. For me, I've gotten better over the years because me, I shut down. Don't say nothing to me if I'm upset. I'll just walk away and I'll stay mad for like, it could be days. He's the complete opposite. Even in the beginning of our relationship, our marriage and stuff, he always said, you know, we can fuss or whatever. You can hold on to it for about an hour or two, but when it's time to go to bed, we're both sleeping in this bed together. We're going to apologize. So I think that was always great. I didn't know I got on her nerves. No. That stuff's going to happen, so that's why I don't trip. I grew up with siblings. We had fights, and my parents were really big on Scripture. And they said, don't let the sun go down on your raft. So I'm not going to hell over an argument. So we're going to get this together tonight. We're going to move on. Not to mention, nobody's leaving anybody. So how long are we going to keep this attitude going? And that's really a thing. So I've said it, like, oh, are you leaving? Then lose it. The other thing is I'm done. Half the time I get her upset. I don't even know I did it. So it's like, tell me what I did and won't do it no more. But so it's the silliest stuff for us. I think for me, um, I'm very similar. I, when I get upset, it's like three to four business days and I'm like, I'll be good. Um, versus, you know, Marlon, he is just, and he is very, very good at being like, Hey, you did this and I didn't really like that you did that. And he'll do it like immediately versus me. I think sometimes I'm just so not, that's not how we grew up in my family. That's not how we communicated. And so sometimes it's hard for me to even articulate that you've done something that has made me upset and now I want to address it with you. And so in our relationship, we're both learning how to communicate and navigate during conflict. So that way it's like, you know, we're in this together, we're not leaving. So you could be mad, but at the end of the day, like you said, like, we're not leaving. Carowise, how about you all? I'm pretty similar to that. Like, just growing up. It's not a woman thing. I heard you say it. I heard you say it. It's not. It's not a woman thing. It's just I think it really does play a huge role in your upbringing, the family that you grow up in, because you think when you get married, there's two lives coming together. So I'm constantly working on myself because I used to be an emotional person. roller coaster. Okay. Like, um, I'm ready to go from zero to like 10 and he like, yo, I just said, I like your shoes, change shoes, put these on and you know, and I'm like about the, you know, fall apart. Um, and so for a while, you know, you have to work on, I had to work on that emotional that emotional barrier, that emotional feeling that I have. But for me, I had to understand where it came from and then learn how to deal with it because everything is not necessarily an attack, you know? And then if there are some things that frustrate me, I think that what I'm learning to do IN PRACTICE IS SAYING SOMETHING TO HIM WHEN IT HAPPENS. AND THEN BEING OKAY WITH WHATEVER THE RESPONSE IS. SO IF HE DOESN'T RESPOND AT THE RATE I FEEL HE SHOULD RESPOND, THAT I'M OKAY WITH THAT BECAUSE HE HAS TO PROBABLY PROCESS IT, HE HAS TO PROBABLY THINK AND MAYBE GO OVER WHAT JUST REPLAYED. AND THAT COMES WITH LEARNING YOUR SPOUSE, TOO. AND SO AS WE'RE GROWING, WE'RE LEARNING EACH OTHER AND WE'RE LEARNING HOW TO, YOU KNOW, CHANNEL OUR OWN EMOTIONS, HOW TO articulate that to each other and, you know, be okay with how the other one responds and know that it's not out of, like, I don't, I feel some type of way about you. It's just, you know, this is how we're communicating. That's so good about not feeling attacked because I think there was one time Marlon had mentioned something about whatever it was that I was wearing and he articulated it very nicely, right? And I was just like, I don't even like what you just said to me right now. Like, why are you trying to control me? And I'm like, pull out my Bible. I mean, I had a whole attitude. And I had to pull out my Bible and just start reading and like really walk through. Like, okay, first and foremost, stop. Secondly, he's not trying to control you. He has expressed an opinion. Like you use the example, like I don't, you know, the shoes you wearing, it's not an attack on you as a person. He is bringing up a good point. And to be quite honest, you also really kind of thought something about whatever it was that you was wearing. So what are we really doing right now? And so I think for me, going to therapy has helped me to navigate those moments where it's like, OK, what is that coming from? And it's coming from my upbringing and really understanding that any time that he brings up that he has a problem, that's that's the sign of a healthy relationship. Right. Versus him not saying anything to me at all and me trying to figure out what's he upset about, like what's going on. So I love that you brought up that, like realizing that it's not an attack on you as a person. To add to that... Well, I agree with a few of you. Because even when I'm mad, I need my time as well to really be to myself. But even what Pastor Pullen was also saying, at the end of the day, you know you're not going nowhere. Where are you about to go? Are you about to go find somebody new? Or are you about to go start over? No, you're not doing that. So basically, I'm saying it for me, but I'll be to myself and get myself together. But eventually... you know, we're gonna come back together. But even in this question and the other questions, one thing I would like to put out there is the fact that even though we may have years, I'm speaking for us, don't mean that we know everything regarding marriage because it's just like parenting. Each and every day, you're still learning how to be a parent because when you think you mastered having a four or five-year-old, guess what? Now they're about to be 10. When you think you mastered that, guess what? Now they're about to be preteen. And then they're about to be a teenager. So I look at that as the same with marriage as well because the more we're going to continue to keep growing with each other, the more we got to keep relearning each other because things are going to change. Mindsets is going to shift. So the reason why I'm going there is because Even though when we're good, we're on a good level, we could sit here and say all the advice that sounds good when we're just having a regular conversation. But the thing is, can we implement those keys when we are having a beef? But to answer your question, like I said, I just really need time to myself. But eventually we will come back together and make everything right. Absolutely. 100%. When we think about, you know, those moments where you need to kind of gather your thoughts and you're upset with your spouse or what have you, and you might be out with your friends who are also married. We talked earlier about, you know, hanging out with other married couples. If your friends start talking about their spouses, and we're not talking like nothing crazy, but they're just like, you know, oh my gosh, that was on my nerves. I can't believe he did this. Can't believe she would say that. As your friends are complaining about their spouses, do you join in or do you stay quiet? Oh, I'm quiet. I ain't going to say. I have nothing to add to that conversation. I think it depends. Not adding to add fuel, no. But I'll be like, oh, yeah, you know, I understand. But for the most part, I'm quiet. I'm like, let me let you get that out because I don't want you going home going off on him. So let me let you get that out. You know, and I think it's important when you are married that you do have, you know, godly counsel or someone close because there are a lot of people who do hold things in and then they end up exploding. So being able to have that outlet I think is important too for anybody because I'm one of those people. I'm internalized. so you know if I feel some type of way I'm gonna keep that thing to myself is one because I'm a coverer too so I'm not gonna have you looking at my husband in your kind of way um and I'm gonna always make sure that he's being honored you know and so that's important to me so I will internalize like I literally let that thing eat me up before I actually expose you know and I think that having that close like you know somebody that you can go to like if the pull-ins are, you know, our close friends, being able to say, hey, I just need to talk for a second. Let's be friends. You know what I mean? Yes, absolutely. Let's be friends. Absolutely. You know, and to be able to, you know, have someone that you can talk to and then they can reel you back in. So I think that it's important to be able to relate so that, you know, they don't feel like they just throwing things and you're like, I don't know, I'm not going through that in my marriage. Or it's like, if I am, I can say, I understand where you are and yada, yada, yada. Two things that I heard you say that I want to bring out is covering and honoring. Um, and I think honoring your spouse starts with you because if you are out there talking crazy about your spouse, then that gives any and everybody the right to do the same. Like it's like, you know, when you like, I could talk about my siblings, but you can't talk about my siblings. Like, I might talk to certain friends that I trust, that I have spiritual counsel with, that I might, you know, know that it's just them and I can talk and speak with them. But there are other people where I would never dare talk about my spouse in front of. And then the other thing too is like for me, if, you know, let's say my sister is dating a guy and he does something to her and she's complaining to me about it and then she gets over it, but I'm still holding on to that. Like, You? I don't like homeboy. Like, no. Like, what you talking about y'all finna get married? No, I don't want no parts of it. And so I think sometimes we have to remember that our friends, our family can hold on to these things where you have forgiven them. You're the one that's married to them. You've forgiven them. You've let go. But I do love the fact that you brought out honoring and covering your spouse in those situations. Yeah, that's really good. Really, really good. Um, let's see, let's go to Facebook. I don't think we have any questions here on Facebook live, but if you are tuning in, this is dig deep conversations with Christian leaders. I'm your host, Dr. Jaria. This is battle of the sexes. Part two, married couples edition. Let's go to this question as we get ready to, um, to wrap up. Let's see, let's see. How do you show love in a way your spouse really appreciates, even though it might not be your natural way of showing love? Pastor Joel, I want to go to you first for that one. I'm a loving guy, just being honest. So, like, I'm easy. So, what kind of passed a lot of, like, me having to show love is just, like, she'll know like you learn people do tough times not necessarily the good times so it'll be a time when she may be struggling so I may come home with like she doesn't like flowers so I may like go bring her some greasy cups or something and she'll know like this is a nice gesture he knows I'm struggling so I mean that's that's kind of what we do is not anything outside. I'm not, we don't, I'm gonna buy you a cruise or a pocketbook because that's kind of like, to each his own, it's just, we don't do that, so. Well, we get it. First Lady Maria, what about you? How do you show love in a way that Pastor Joel appreciates, uh, but it might not be your natural way, the way that you like to show love? Um, for me, so, it's funny because me, I like, like, my head above and so does he. Um, So because I like to rub so much, you know, but I know that's his thing. So sometimes, you know, if I know he's not in a good mood or something, sometimes he'll just, you know, come and I'll just sit down and he'll lay his head on my lap. I'll just rub his head. So just stuff like that. Awesome. Just, I think I'm hearing, like, just getting to know how the other person wants to be appreciated versus, like, what you think, you know, you're not out here buying her red bottoms. Like, that's nice, but at the end of the day, it's the small things. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Monique, what about you? Oh, go ahead. I'm sorry. Go ahead. You have the mic. Go ahead. No, go ahead. For me, it's just, well, for her, it's something simple. Actually, it's two things. One thing is Letting her have the remote and I'm sitting here watching whatever she wants to watch with her. That's like a cringe to me, but I know she really loves that. The power. But another thing is to, not to go super deep or anything, but affirmations. Because when I am speaking affirmations to her or even speaking over her or into her life, that really does something to her. Because I'm actually like really speaking from that position and authority of, you know, as the head of the household. And so I know that also does something to her as well. I would definitely say, He, doing things for him that he really is not expecting. He's kind of one of those individuals where he don't really expect much, you know? And so doing things that he just isn't expecting. So it's like if he comes home and there's like a bathroom or there's like something that he just is not expecting, I think that that is... you know a way to really show him love and then also just leaving him alone sometimes like sometimes he just needs a moment to detox and not that he doesn't love his family or me or the children but sometimes he just needs a minute yeah and about the bath part just real quick um I appreciate it But this one time, I just had to tell this funny story, if y'all mind. So one time, I came home from work, and she had a bath ran for me. It was nighttime at this time. And you know, it was candles and everything lit up. And so her instructions to me was, go take a bath. When I tell you, I felt like a slave in that bathroom. And there's no disrespect. I know this is Juneteenth and everything. But when I tell you I was so hot in that bathroom, I'm sitting in, I don't know how you sweat in the bath. And I was in there sweating so bad. And I was just like, I want to get out, but I don't want her to think that I'm unappreciative of this. But I was just in there sweating like crazy. But I wanted to stay in there as long as I could just to let her know I appreciated what she did. It's the sacrifice, y'all. Exactly. So that was a sacrifice for me. But yeah, I just had to add that one. I think it's so important to know how your spouse wants to be appreciated versus how you want to appreciate them. You know, I love giving gifts. And first lady, I know you're the same. Like I love giving gifts to people, but I have some friends, I have some family who they just don't really like gifts. That's not how they like to be shown love. And so I think If you are planning on getting married, if you are married, just really truly understanding how your spouse wants to be loved and wants to be appreciated and being willing to do that, even if it's not comfortable for you. So if like speaking words of affirmation, you know, if you grew up in a household where like, yeah, okay, you got an A in class, like that's what you're supposed to do. Like, You know what I mean? Like that speaking affirmations can be kind of hard because it's like, well, you should be doing that. Like, I'm not going to pat you on the back every time you do it. But if that's what your spouse likes to receive love and feel appreciated, then. Yeah. Thank you. So I really appreciate that you did this. Thank you so much for doing this. Like just kind of appreciating them and showing them love in the way that you would like them to. Um, as we get close to the end here, I'm trying to see if we have, I think we have time for both questions. So let's go to this question and we'll get to our last question. So next question is what is a common misconception about Christian marriage that you'd like to clear up? And we start with the carowinds first. Regarding the Christian marriage, I often hear people who have this assumption that Christian marriages are born, and that's not the case. Because even what Pastor Pullen said earlier, when you are around other married couples, it's also encouraging, it's empowering, and also it's fun. It's like we're not just sitting here like we got married and waiting for our time to pass on. No, we literally, I have fun with my wife, and we do a lot of stuff together. So, yeah, that's one thing I'll say. Christian marriages are not boring. Like also what he said earlier, you have to like who you're married to. Don't just be in the covering just to say that, well, I say in the mirror, it's just to say that you're married. Literally like the person that you are with. Yeah, same. It's not boring. It's not. I've heard that so many times. Like, oh, so, you know, you guys are in church, so you don't do this, you don't drink, you don't this, you don't that. I'm like, since when? Why do we have to negate fun to, you know, doing things outside of the will of God? You know what I mean? Like, it literally is fun. Even going to church is fun. Seriously. Like, you see some stuff in church. The funniest stuff happens in church. That you shouldn't see in church. I mean, I mean, like, it's, I know we're in church. You know, so it is fun. It's not boring. Not boring. And some of the funniest stuff happens in church. And it's fun for me to watch the married couples in church sometimes because I can see them like talking to each other across church, like making faces like you just seen that. Yeah, I saw that. Yes, absolutely. Well, how about you all? Repeat the question again, I'm sorry. No, it's okay, it's okay. The question is, what's a common misconception about Christian marriage that you'd like to clear up? That all we do is go to church. There's more to a Christian marriage than just going to church. God honors marriage, and he blesses our marriage, and he's the focal point of our marriage and the center of our marriage, but we don't just go to church. So I think that's, Ms. Norman, am I using the right word? Okay, good. This is my wordsmith, and I will mess up a word in a minute. That's not a word. I kind of agree with everyone. And I always tell my friends, you know, because they ask a lot of questions about marriage and me just being, you know, because they know me from, you know, being younger than now. But I tell them, for us, you know, we have a great time. We do everything still. I've never, like, clubbed like that anyway, so... It's not a miss out for me. I didn't drink like that. So none of that stuff, you know, it doesn't at all. And I tell people, you know, just having God as the head of your life is just like. the most rewarding life you can have um we still go to the movies we go to theme parks you know we travel um now me and my children and in-laws travel a little more than him so he said this year you know he's not saying to no to any trip so that would be pretty interesting But, you know, and again, we do enjoy church. You know, so, but I think, you know, you really just have to be yourself and just know who you are. Because I think sometimes people, you know, would be like, oh, you know, we're doing this. Why can't you do that? And it's not that I can't do it. It's I chose not to do it. You know, why get saved if I still want to live that life. What is the benefits of living the life that you guys are living? Because you realize being saved and stuff in a marriage and when God is over it, it's just so much better. Not saying you don't struggle or have issues and stuff, but you see other marriages and they just got so much other stuff and you're like, I thank God I don't got to deal with any of that. Can I just add one more thing? Absolutely, yes. Even though we talk about the misconceptions about a Christian marriage, but I promise you, it's a great feeling to have a partner who can literally pray for you when you can't even pray for yourself. And I'm saying that because there are so many times where she couldn't pray for herself and I had to step in and pray for her and vice versa. So even we're talking about, you know, things regarding a Christian marriage. But like you were just saying, there are a lot of benefits to having a Christian marriage. Because even at times you may be going through stuff that you can't even explain. Your spouse is already on board like, oh, no, let's go. We going to the church or we about to pray right now? And they're not going to let you sit in that situation too much longer. So I just wanted to add that in. No, I appreciate that because it's so true. It's like, you know, it's life, right? We're all going to go through things, whether you are saved or unsaved. But I feel when you are saved, you have that peace of God. You have that hope in God that you are able to navigate. life circumstances and situations a little bit with a little bit more clarity, a little bit more grace, a little bit more hope, if you will, a lot more peace, certainly. This conversation has been so good. I can't believe you already reached our hour. Here's what we're going to do for the last question. I'm going to ask you all to come up with an answer together. While you do that, I'm just going to give a couple of quick updates for Dig Deep and everything like that. So the question I'm going to give it to y'all as I'm giving updates, you all huddle together and come up with your answer as a couple, right, as a unit. And then we'll have you share the question, the answer. So the question is, if you had to choose one song to describe your marriage, what would it be? all right so y'all put the mics on mute and then y'all go ahead and discuss while I give a couple of quick updates so if you're tuning in for the first time this is dr jaria see all joe dig deep conversations with christian leaders is sponsored by jaria shanae ministries we are here to help you develop practical applications to support educational and spiritual growth make sure that you connect with me jaria see all you're here on facebook on instagram on tick tock We also have coming up the Dig Deep Conference Women of the Word. It's happening October 4th and October 5th right here in the city of Bridgeport right here at Rehoboth. Tonight we are live and in person at Rehoboth 72 Beardsley Street in the city of Bridgeport, Connecticut. I'm excited to have you all. Join us for the dig deep movement of the word conference. We'll show the video clip at the end where it has a lot more information about what is coming up. But right now we're going to go back to our guests where the question for tonight, the last question is if you had to choose one song to describe your marriage, what would it be? All right. Are y'all ready? You got your songs. Okay, here we go. Let's go with you first. Let's hear one song. Well, we went with I Won't Complain, the church song. I'm lying. I was going to say, okay. No, we went with Tamiya. Okay. I really like what you've done to me. Oh, so went to you. So went to you, right, right, right. Yes, I love that. Wait, with the fabulous verse? Never mind. Okay, all right. Okay, how about you all? It's actually hard for one song. Yeah. But for the most to answer the question, I'll say Chaka Khan through the fire. Oh, come on, old school. Listen, if you born anytime after 1990, you know, none about that song that they just mentioned. All right. That's really good. I love it. I love it. Listen, thank you all so much for tuning in. Thank you all for coming tonight. Thank you for having the conversation. This was absolutely incredible. I hope that you have taken away some nuggets. Make sure you like and share with your friends, family, with everyone. Pastor Joel, I'm going to ask if you would lead us out in prayer. If you would pray specifically for married couples who might be just either just getting married or have been married for some time, just pray for God's covering over married couples on this evening as you pray us home. Amen. Gracious and eternal Father, we thank you. God, we thank you just because you're so good. God, we thank you for unions that you have put together, unions that you will be putting together, both husband and wife, both men and women. God, we thank you, God. for establishing the family for reproduction. God, we thank you, God. Now, God, we ask that you continue to bless them, God, as they are individuals, but you've called them to be one, God. God, unite them as one voice. God, unite them in one faith, God. God, unite them in their praise, God. God, we pray that if there be any ism or schism, any division that may be in their marriage, God, we pray that you allow for your spirit and communication to take it out right now, God. God, we pray that you allow barriers to be let down, God. God, we pray that old relationships or past hurts Don't infiltrate the newness of their relationships, God. God, we pray that there be no family divisions, God, for those that may have combined families. God, we pray that you allow the outside influences to not be a distraction for their destiny. God, we ask for your spirit to guide. God, we pray that you allow for them to seek ye first your kingdom, God. God, we pray that you anoint them to be a ministry for marriage, God. God, we pray for those that will be embarking upon marriage. God, we pray that you allow them to have godly counsel, God. God, we pray that you surround them with men and women that have marriage. Stories and marriage encouragement that they may be a light for them. God, God, we pray that you allow them to be resources in the name of Jesus. Now, God, we say thank you for all the things that you're doing. Thank you for years and years and years of anniversaries. and celebrations god we thank you for allowing us to be examples god we thank you for allowing us to navigate through the storms god we thank you for allowing us to stand on uncertain foundations god we thank you for pastors and first ladies god we thank you for churches that are able to be christian communities for our weakness god we thank you for all that you're doing and we count the things done the asking in Jesus name we pray amen amen thanks so much for tuning in we're gonna ask you to play that video clip we will see you here next month with dig deep conversations or Christian leaders take care everybody
